Dream come true!

Two days ago we had no idea what was in store for our future. Little did we know we were about to get our dream call! A birth mother had chosen us, and not only were we chosen, he was already entering this world. We had our match meeting and we never left the hospital! Luckily she liked us:) We had a wonderful time getting to know her and her family and most of all Kaetheo! Please help us welcome Kaetheo Lloyd to our family. Most of all please pray that he will be our forever son<3

Born 10/2/2014
8lbs 1 oz | 21 in
We Met: 10/3/2014
Welcomed home 10/4/2014

still hopeful and waiting...........

With heavy hearts, it pains us to announce that the little boy we were matched with was meant to be another amazing adoptive family's blessing.

Although we would love to share the full story with all of you, we need to respect B and this little boys beautiful story, since it is no longer our story to tell<3

We are still in contact with B and care for her very much. We hope to continue our friendship with her and hopefully his new adoptive family. Please keep B and this precious baby boy in your prayers. 

Our moments with him were unforgettable and he will forever be in our heart.

As for us ..we are once again a hopeful waiting family.

best birthday week ever!!

The weekend before my birthday Jordan and I finally had made the decision that I would not be returning to work. I became a full time stay-at-home wife and we were both extremely excited about it.

On Monday, August 4th I called my boss and informed him of the news. He understood and it was so nice to hear the support on the other end of the call. Our biggest priority was to find the child that was meant to be ours<3  Little did we know ...............

Wednesday, August 6th-- My BIRTHDAY!!

It was a nice relaxing day.  At about 8:30 pm we bought a movie and we were cuddling with the puppies on the couch watching it when 9pm rolled around. Our phone rang. It was a number we had never seen before. I told Jordan to pause the movie and I answered.......

On the other line was someone that was about to make my birthday unforgettable...HANDS DOWN the best birthday I have ever had! It was an extremely special call because it wasn't our counselor calling to tell us someone had chosen us..it was the birth mother herself (who we will call B)! We were so nervous after she explained who she was. We were at a loss of words because as much as we have prepared for that exciting call it is way different when it actually happens. After about 20 seconds of talking to her it became a lot easier. She's funny, sweet, and has a big personality just like both of us!! B proceeded to tell us that she wants to meet us right away and of course we wanted to meet her too. 

I got off the phone with her and turned to Jordan (who was pressed up against me listening) and said "wow, I really REALLY liked her..I hope she likes us when she meets us!!" The phone call was so refreshing, she made us feel extremely special. Who knew that we could have an instant connection in a phone call that lasted less than 5 minutes??

and did you remember?? All of this happened on my BIRTHDAY!! 

We met that Friday and had an immediate connection!

We are so proud to announce that we are MATCHED with B and the most adorable little boy in the world! LOOK AT THOSE CHEEKS! We can't wait to kiss them all over!<33

xoxo

SOON TO BE MOMMY AND DADDY! <33 

Letting go and looking forward to our future...

These last two weeks were obviously not what we had expected them to be, but with the support and encouragement of our family, friends, and even strangers, we are learning to let go and look forward to our future.

The weekend following our failed adoption was actually the start to our annual camping trip that our families take. Jordan and I weren't going to go: It's hard to face the world when everyone now looks at us as "the couple that had a failed adoption." We pushed ourselves to go, knowing that getting back into our regular routine would help us. We got there before everyone else and went to get ice cream, play mini golf, and just sit at the dam. It is our main "get away." We spent some time up there but ended up leaving a little early because Jordan had to get back to work. We planned on going back up Thursday to celebrate the 4th with our families.

Grieving a failed adoption is difficult. It is a loss that not many people experience. It is a confusing loss because it is not a loss of a life, it is a loss of a prayed-for and imagined future. One day it's there and the next day it's just over.  There isn't a wake, funeral, or ceremony where you can say your goodbyes. There isn't much closure. I think that was especially hard for us.

Luckily our families are amazing! 

The next weekend we went back up to the lake to celebrate Independence Day. Little did we know that our families had something extremely special planned. I still don't think they understand how much it meant to us. They wanted to help us let go and hope for the future. On July 4th, we were sitting in our campsite when my sister came and asked Jordan and I to go in the camper. We went into the camper and she told us we needed to write a letter, an honest letter of how we felt. I have to say it was nice to write out my feelings on paper. She then made us put our letters in a bottle. As we finished writing our letters in the camper, my sister and cousin came over to our campsite holding over 30 blue balloons, one for every one of our family members present. Attached to the end of the string of each balloon was our adoption card. We all walked from our campsite over to the dam to let the balloons go, helping spread our story in a new way. 

We all counted to three and let the balloons go and off they sailed. It was actually very therapeutic for us. Letting go of those balloons helped us let go of the past. Having our adoption card on the balloon helped us hope for the future.

After we let the balloons go we all went to the top of the dam to let go of our message in a bottle. We threw it off the dam and let go of all of our prior feelings. 

The next day our families gave us these walking sticks. They were to symbolize their support for us through our journey to parenthood, however that opportunity comes to us. Both were signed by all of our family members who were at the lake :)

On July 4th we regained hope that our little one is out there somewhere<3

What's next?
We are back in the LSS waiting family book anxiously awaiting to be found by the right birth family<3
We are hopeful that everything that has happened to us will be explained in our future!

Happiness and heartbreak

We are so overwhelmed with all the support of our family, friends and even strangers. Obviously as everyone knows we were on cloud nine for almost 36 hours, thinking we finally had our dreams of becoming a family come true.

It was the best day of our life followed by the worst day. On June 21st we went to the hospital at about 6 pm to meet who we thought would be our son. We were able to spend a couple of hours with him on the 21st, and on the 22nd we took him home, which was full of family waiting to meet their new little family member.  The house was full of balloons, a cake, family, friends, gifts etc. June 22nd was a day full of emotions... We were on cloud nine, but still worried and hoping the birth family was doing okay. We refrained from posting too many pictures and updates to social media to be mindful of T&A. We cared about their feelings and thought seeing our happiness may hurt them.

We spent that night and the next day taking care or our new little one and sending as many pictures and updates as we could to T and A. Obviously sending these updates scared us, but we wanted to show them we weren't lying about how open we were going to be with them. We had a fear that updates would hurt T and A, but our counselor and T assured us updates would help. We aren't sure if the updates had anything to do with the change of heart.

The first night went well, everyone went home after they met him and we got our first real alone time. We set our alarm for feedings and rocked our little one to sleep.

He went to sleep and around 1:30 our alarm went off. We both excitedly woke up and did what we had been waiting to do. Jordan fed him as I got diapers and wipes ready. We sat up in our bed just staring at this amazing boy in our arms. The rest of a night we tag teamed, cuddling all three of us.. however both of us were too excited to sleep. 

The next day was just spent the three of us. Adjusting, learning , falling in love.. We finally posted an announcement due to many people requesting it. We thought not posting anything may make us seem ungrateful, but in reality we were just worried about T &A's feelings.. But we posted the announcement in hopes it would show our love for them and our new little addition. 

The next night we did amazing. Honestly I didn't know I could love my husband any more then I already did. My love for him multiplied as I saw him take care of me and our child.  Seeing him take charge and with no sleep stay up and rock his child was the most amazing feeling. He kept telling me to try to get some sleep, he will stay up with him. I tried to sleep, I couldn't. I just wanted to stay awake for every moment. He finally forced me to try and sleep.. I'd get up to check on them, and they were cuddling and rocking in the nursery. The most precious sight I had ever seen.

We tag teamed the rest of the night and we were both up and good for the day at about 9 am. We were getting the coffee ready and Jordan was rocking with Tayden cuddling when my phone rang. Jordan told me it said Stillwater, MN, so I knew it was our counselor. Praying it was just a call to check in I answered it. I walked toward the office and said hello. The tone of voice was obvious to me. The rest of the conversation was a blur. I just remember watching my husband rock and kiss our child as I was being told over the phone that he was going to be taken from us. He had no idea what was happening...

Obviously we were in shock; crying, grieving, holding him tight. I called my mom right away and she and the rest of the family all left work and showed up at our house within 20 minutes so we wouldn't have to go through it alone. Jordan's family left work right away too, however they had much farther to drive. They asked us to stall so they could say their goodbyes and be with us, so my mom went out to talk to the counselor and requested she wait for a half hour or so. We all said a prayer for him, us and his family.

It's the worst pain in the world handing over what you thought was your son. We had plans and dreams for our family moving forward, and to have him taken away is and was one of the worst thing that has ever happened to us. 

We are sharing pictures to show what we didn't ever get to show... Our happiness we had for our two days with him.

coming "home"

arrival

Night one

Our last picture of him when we thought he was ours. 

My sister took this when we were saying our goodbyes. At first I hated it because it was a reminder of us just coming out of the office with him bawling..but it is part of our story. 

We know he is loved where he is, so it is a different kind of loss..but it doesn't make it hurt any less.
We know there is a reason for everything, and we are desperately searching for that reason. God has a plan..and we trying to regain hope that plan is parenthood.