It was the best day of our life followed by the worst day. On June 21st we went to the hospital at about 6 pm to meet who we thought would be our son. We were able to spend a couple of hours with him on the 21st, and on the 22nd we took him home, which was full of family waiting to meet their new little family member. The house was full of balloons, a cake, family, friends, gifts etc. June 22nd was a day full of emotions... We were on cloud nine, but still worried and hoping the birth family was doing okay. We refrained from posting too many pictures and updates to social media to be mindful of T&A. We cared about their feelings and thought seeing our happiness may hurt them.
We spent that night and the next day taking care or our new little one and sending as many pictures and updates as we could to T and A. Obviously sending these updates scared us, but we wanted to show them we weren't lying about how open we were going to be with them. We had a fear that updates would hurt T and A, but our counselor and T assured us updates would help. We aren't sure if the updates had anything to do with the change of heart.
The first night went well, everyone went home after they met him and we got our first real alone time. We set our alarm for feedings and rocked our little one to sleep.
He went to sleep and around 1:30 our alarm went off. We both excitedly woke up and did what we had been waiting to do. Jordan fed him as I got diapers and wipes ready. We sat up in our bed just staring at this amazing boy in our arms. The rest of a night we tag teamed, cuddling all three of us.. however both of us were too excited to sleep.
The next day was just spent the three of us. Adjusting, learning , falling in love.. We finally posted an announcement due to many people requesting it. We thought not posting anything may make us seem ungrateful, but in reality we were just worried about T &A's feelings.. But we posted the announcement in hopes it would show our love for them and our new little addition.
The next night we did amazing. Honestly I didn't know I could love my husband any more then I already did. My love for him multiplied as I saw him take care of me and our child. Seeing him take charge and with no sleep stay up and rock his child was the most amazing feeling. He kept telling me to try to get some sleep, he will stay up with him. I tried to sleep, I couldn't. I just wanted to stay awake for every moment. He finally forced me to try and sleep.. I'd get up to check on them, and they were cuddling and rocking in the nursery. The most precious sight I had ever seen.
We tag teamed the rest of the night and we were both up and good for the day at about 9 am. We were getting the coffee ready and Jordan was rocking with Tayden cuddling when my phone rang. Jordan told me it said Stillwater, MN, so I knew it was our counselor. Praying it was just a call to check in I answered it. I walked toward the office and said hello. The tone of voice was obvious to me. The rest of the conversation was a blur. I just remember watching my husband rock and kiss our child as I was being told over the phone that he was going to be taken from us. He had no idea what was happening...
We tag teamed the rest of the night and we were both up and good for the day at about 9 am. We were getting the coffee ready and Jordan was rocking with Tayden cuddling when my phone rang. Jordan told me it said Stillwater, MN, so I knew it was our counselor. Praying it was just a call to check in I answered it. I walked toward the office and said hello. The tone of voice was obvious to me. The rest of the conversation was a blur. I just remember watching my husband rock and kiss our child as I was being told over the phone that he was going to be taken from us. He had no idea what was happening...
Obviously we were in shock; crying, grieving, holding him tight. I called my mom right away and she and the rest of the family all left work and showed up at our house within 20 minutes so we wouldn't have to go through it alone. Jordan's family left work right away too, however they had much farther to drive. They asked us to stall so they could say their goodbyes and be with us, so my mom went out to talk to the counselor and requested she wait for a half hour or so. We all said a prayer for him, us and his family.
It's the worst pain in the world handing over what you thought was your son. We had plans and dreams for our family moving forward, and to have him taken away is and was one of the worst thing that has ever happened to us.
We are sharing pictures to show what we didn't ever get to show... Our happiness we had for our two days with him.
We know he is loved where he is, so it is a different kind of loss..but it doesn't make it hurt any less.
We know there is a reason for everything, and we are desperately searching for that reason. God has a plan..and we trying to regain hope that plan is parenthood.
coming "home"
arrival
Night one
Our last picture of him when we thought he was ours.
My sister took this when we were saying our goodbyes. At first I hated it because it was a reminder of us just coming out of the office with him bawling..but it is part of our story.
We know he is loved where he is, so it is a different kind of loss..but it doesn't make it hurt any less.
We know there is a reason for everything, and we are desperately searching for that reason. God has a plan..and we trying to regain hope that plan is parenthood.
